Lessons Learned in New Orleans

Posted on November 7, 2011 by Jacob Flores

I posted on Thursday that I was being whisked away on a surprise trip by my dear husband. Well, we ended up in New Orleans, and the surprise didn’t stop there. He reunited me with two dear friends–Chris and Jill. Jill, as you may remember from my fruit fly post, was my most recent fly who unfortunately flew back home to Alabama and away from me–her fruit!

When we saw each other again this past Friday evening, the three and a half years of separation melted away as if they never existed. The four of us simply picked back up from the moment we said goodbye and never once missed a beat.

That moment was very special to me. At a time in my life when dear friends seem few and far between, it was nice to be reminded that I have true connections in this world–connections that link us together through time and space.

So in honor of our weekend in NOLA and of time spent with friends I miss dearly already, I wanted to share some lessons learned this weekend.

Lesson #1 True Friends Never Say Goodbye

To quote Stephen King, one of my favorite authors, from his novel Stand By Me: “Friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant.” Never than more recently in my life has this been true. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and befriending some wonderful individuals, each of whom has profoundly changed me for the better. To list them all and how I’ve grown would fill hundreds of blog posts, so I won’t even attempt that. But what I’ve learned after this weekend is that true friends are never gone from our lives. The busboy (friend) may depart your table (life) to attend to other duties (their lives), but a good busboy always returns to check the cleanliness of your table, to help clear away any accumulated mess or simply to check in on the status of your table. A true friend is like a good busboy–always in the periphery of your life and willing to return when summoned or needed. Thanks to Chris and Jill, I was reminded that even when you leave the restaurant, good friends remain on the menus of our lives.

Lesson #2 Gay Men Steal (or attempt to steal) Fruit Flies

In case you didn’t know, gay men are very protective of their fruit flies. It’s a relationship that’s almost as sacrosanct as marriage. When a gay man and straight woman bond, it’s till death do us part! Luckily, the husbands of our flies understand and are not threatened by the relationship. After all, we can’t steal (and don’t want to steal) their wives from them. BUT flies are in danger of being stolen by other fruits. It’s a gay man’s worst nightmare and one that I relieved this weekend! Some shirtless queen sashayed over to my fly, talking about “how gorgeous and fierce she is.” Compliments to my fly don’t intimidate me because, well, they are typically true: she is gorgeous and fierce, but the look in his eye was more than just pure admiration of her awesomeness. He was looking at my fly as if he was a fly trap trying to derive a way of making her his own. When I realized what was happening, I was like “Homo, please!” and sent him on his way. Thanks to the Shirtless Wonder, I stayed close to my fly the rest of the night. There was no way I was letting another fruit get illusions of grandeur about stealing this fruit’s fly!

Lesson #3 Beware of Motorboating Waitresses!

When a generously endowed waitress shoved my friend’s face between her breasticles, I thought it was hilarious. Even though he had a good time, I knew she had an agenda. The motorboat led to two shots, which led to her demanding money for her services. I was on to her game and promptly turned from her. I had no intention of finding myself suffocating between her “fleshy pillows” (Another quote from Stephen King; this time from Carrie.) This woman, however, was shrewd. Like a true motorboat, she circled the pond and went into stealth mode. Before I knew what was happening, my face was shoved between her mounds of flesh and she was attempting to force feed me two shot vials. Luckily for me, I’m immune to the charms of breasticles. My lips remained shut and nary a drop of liquor entered my mouth. She was denied her sale, and I sent her back into the pond for far easier fish. So, for anyone who goes to the French Quarter, watch out for big busted waitresses. Their milkshakes aren’t free!

Lesson #4 Flip Flops and the French Quarter Don’t Mix

If you’ve ever been to the French Quarter, you know how nasty and disgusting the streets are. If you haven’t been, well, just imagine strolling across pavement filled with an assortment of body fluids and you might get a snapshot of the whole disgusting picture. Though the streets are power washed daily, no amount of water can sanitize the nastiness, especially when you see how frothy and brown the water gets as attempts to clean it are made. Still, despite watching someone spew bodily fluids the night before, people actually walked through the streets during the day wearing flip flops. Really? Do they not realize that whatever liquid they walk through will be splashed across the backs of their bare legs. That’s just inviting a staph infection–or worse! When strolling through the French Quarter, always wear sneakers or footwear you don’t mind disposing of when you get home.

Lesson #5 Gay Bar + Football = A Good Time For All

I’m not a football fan; however, if football had been presented to me as it was this weekend, I just might have learned to like it. We watched the LSU/Alabama game at a gay bar, and I had a great time. I don’t know if it was the game or the go-go boys on the bar dancing, but it was the most fun I’ve ever had watching a televised sport (well, except maybe for figure skating or gymnastics!) I didn’t know what the score was most of the time or why people were booing or cheering, but I booed and cheered along with them–in between sips of my cocktails and ogling the barely clad boys. So, if you find yourself having to do something you normally don’t enjoy doing, throw in some alcohol and exposed flesh of whatever gender gets you going, and you’ll be having a blast in no time!

All in all, the New Orleans trip was a success! I learned to value true friendship, to forever guard my fly from fallen fruits, to be wary of waitresses sporting too much cleavage, to wear appropriate foot ware in NOLA, and to add alcohol and go-go boys to every event!

To Parts Unknown

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Jacob Flores

From Gay to Z will be quiet after this post until Monday. My husband is whisking me off somewhere, and he won’t tell me where!

All I know is we leave tomorrow afternoon and will not return home until Sunday.

While I find the surprise trip exciting, it presented many problems with packing. Do I need a swimsuit? Do I need club clothes? Do I need clothes for a cooler climate?

As it is, I pack to excess whenever we go anywhere. Wardrobe options are a must for me, but when I don’t know where we’re going, those options appear endless!

To ease my troubled soul, he kindly offered to pack for me. The gesture was sweet, but he knows better than that! I have to pack because I have to try on the outfits as I pack. How many years have we been together again?!?!?

So, he patiently stood by while I tried on an assortment of clothes, and while he gave me no definitive answers of climate, he did provide enough guidance to know I don’t need a swimsuit, snow gear, or a tuxedo!

The luggage is packed, and I’m ready to go. Where I finally stop, I’ll eventually let you know.

Until Monday!

Another Ex-Gay Leader Comes Out

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Sergio Viula, who lives in Brazil and who helped found the ex-gay conversion group Movement for the Healthy Sexuality (or MOSES), came out of the closet.

According to The Flying Teapot, MOSES is an “evangelical NGO which helps people interested in quitting homosexuality.” Because of the ex-gay conversion, Viula “got married, had two children and saw by himself the very methods of ‘sexual re-orientation.'”

Surprisingly, the “brainwashing” didn’t stick. Not that anyone is really surprised.

In an interview shared by ThinkProgress, Viula stated “Nobody really quit being gay. There were relationships even within the group, between an activity and another, they would always find time for that.”

Apparently while the gays were being converted by MOSES into heterosexuality, they were heading back to their rooms to do the nasty with people of the same sex.

Viula isn’t the first ex-gay to come out of the closet. I posted awhile back about John Smid, another ex-gay leader who admitted that conversion therapy was a fraud.

Now, Viula’s voice joins Smid’s in their attempts to undo the damage they have done, but I have to wonder: is that enough?

How many years did both men torment other homosexuals in their attempts at making them straight? How much mental anguish did they inflict on others, promising that the “conversions” were valid?

Is simply apologizing and trying to clear the air enough?

For me, it is not. While I’m glad these men have accepted who they truly are, it doesn’t undo the damage they have already inflicted.

A criminal may be sorry for his crimes, but that doesn’t solely exonerate him. It seems to me that Viula, Smid, and others like them should have to suffer some type of legal recourse for their actions.

Michigan Senate Passes “License to Bully” Bill

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Jacob Flores

In what can only be described as a cowardly political move, the Republican controlled Michigan Senate passed SB 137, which basically sanctions bullying.

ThinkProgress reports that the bill “not only neglects to protect students based on sexual orientation or gender identity, but creates a special exception for bullies who have a ‘sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.’”

Basically, a student in Michigan schools can be bullied if another student, teacher, or administrator has strong moral reasons for tormenting a child. You have got to be kidding me?!?!

Are there adults elected to office in Michigan? Do they really believe that anyone’s religious beliefs give them sanction to physically or emotionally assault another individual? How is this any different than the Taliban or a jihad? Yet those individuals are terrorists and a jihad is a terrorist attack!

But according to Republican senators in Michigan (which passed SB 137 in a 26-11 vote), assaulting a child in school based on “religious or moral conviction” is A-OK! I guess as long as those beliefs are Christian based then it’s alright.

Do these people understand that a group of students in Michigan can form a Holy Crusade and beat the crap out of some gay kid, which according to SB 137, would be perfectly within their right? Those students would never be held accountable for their actions because they were simply following their “moral” convictions.

Democratic Senate Minority Leader Gretchen Whitmer refused to take the bill’s passage lying down. In a passionate speech, she made the following statement:

So this might solve a political problem that Republicans have. but be clear: You are papering over the problem that is a reality faced by hundreds of kids in Michigan schools every day. In fact, not only does this not protect kids who are bullied, it further endangers them by legitimizing excuses for tormenting a student. And the saddest and sickest irony of this whole thing is that it’s called ‘Matt’s Safe School Law’. And after the way that you’ve gutted it, it wouldn’t have done a damn thing to save Matt!

This is worse than doing nothing! It’s a Republican license to bully.”

Here’s her full speech if you would like to hear her lambast the Republicans.

Lady Gaga to Create Anti-Bullying Foundation

Posted on November 2, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” became an anthem for self-acceptance and loving one’s self despite adversity or prejudice. Her lyrics remind us all that we were all created by God, and that He made us exactly the people we were to be, no matter our race or sexual orientation.

Now, Lady Gaga is ready to take her anthem “Born This Way” to the next level, as reported by The Advocate. She will “launch her Born This Way Foundation” where she “will use the title of her hit pro-LGBT anthem and best-selling album as the name of the non-profit that will focus on youth empowerment and ‘issues like self-confidence, well-being, anti-bullying, mentoring and career development.'”

When asked about her hopes for the foundation, Lady Gaga said, “Together we [including her mother, Cynthia Germanotta] hope to establish a standard of Bravery and Kindness, as well as a community worldwide that protects and nurtures others in the face of bullying and abandonment.”

These are the types of stories I love to see. When entertainers, politicians, or anyone else in the limelight uses their influence to truly make a difference, everyone benefits. Lady Gaga isn’t attacking religious fundamentalists or Republicans. She isn’t launching a smear campaign against those she disagrees with.

Instead, she is using her fame and her resources to make a difference, to give hope to those who feel abandoned.

My hats off to Lady Gaga and those like her. Such actions by people such as this are worth more than the venom that spews from any hate monger’s mouth. After all, hate and ignorance can’t stand against love and compassion for all.

Here’s the music video for “Born This Way” if you haven’t seen it or would like to see it again.

FRC Launches Prayer Campaign Against Gay Adoption

Posted on November 2, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Last week, Angela Gillibrand, a democratic Senator from New York, introduced a new bill called “Every Child Deserves a Family.” This bill is designed to eliminate bans on gay adoption across the country. Obviously, Gillebrand sees the merit of allowing gay couples a chance to adopt the 800,000 children in our country who go unadopted each year.

This bill would increase the chances of those 800,000 children finding homes and prevent those children from growing up within the foster care system. Instead, they would be adopted by a family dedicated to giving them a life they could not ordinarily have as wards of the state.

Apparently, the Family Research Council hates this idea as reported by ThinkProgress.

On the FRC website, the group offers up this prayer:

May God intervene and stir Americans to resist and stop this effort to advance the radical homosexual agenda and literally to possess our nation’s children. May God open our eyes! (Gen 1:26-28; 2:21-24; Lev 18:22-30; Dt 26:7-8; Pr 28:4; Lk 17:1-2; Acts 5:29; Eph 5:31-6:4)”

The FRC is ticked off because this bill would force private agencies to accept gay and lesbian couples as potential parents or lose their federal funding. Instead of focusing on the children who go without parents each year, the FRC is more concerned with defeating the “radical homosexual agenda.”

The only “agenda” these gay and lesbian couples have is to become parents, which is the same agenda as straight couples. I hope one day soon people will come to realize that the only real victims in issues like these are the children, who were abandoned by their biological heterosexual parents.

No Trick or Treat

Posted on November 1, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Ever since my daughter entered my life, trick or treating has been a part of my Halloween routine. For the past 10 years I’ve missed countless Halloween parties or out-of-town spooktacular events in order to lead her, often by the hand, down the dark streets in search of a sugar high she normally is denied.

On her first Halloween, we dressed her up as an adorable puppy. Her mother and I zipped her in a furry one-piece costume and painted a dark circle around one of her eyes. She had no idea why her parents were forcing her inside a hot costume or messing with her perfect face. Still, she sat on the floor, sighed her discontent, and tolerated our efforts, even though the long, floppy dog ears often obscured her view.

When I paraded her down the street for candy I would ultimately consume like a gremlin after midnight, many parents annonced how adorable she was. As the proud papa, I took in all the compliments as if they were being directed at me instead of my daughter. Their acknowledgement of her obvious beauty and charm inflated my ego, affirming that I had, in fact, helped create the most perfect child in the universe.

Since then, the magic of Halloween ebbed and flowed for me as it does with most parents. I even started to dread the day a few years ago. That dread had nothing to do with spending time with my daughter.

I simply recoiled from the thought of fighting the flocks of screaming, rude children, who stampede over everyone in their quest for candy. I also wanted to sidestep the overgrown trick or treaters, the high school aged children and adults who travel from house to house holding plastic bags and collecting candy without appropriately aged costume kiddoes accompanying them!

But more had changed besides the super sized candy chasers. My daughter had grown up. Trick or treating became an event where dad traipsed behind her while she chatted non-stop with her friends and dressed in increasingly adult costumes. The little princess outfits and animal costumes gave way to cowgirls, 80’s girls, and cheerleaders in too-short skirts.

Somehow, the biggest trick was being played on me! The little girl who had to hold my hand the entire time we trick or treated now barely spoke to me once we exited the front door. She would have been completely content to go without me had I been less of a protective parent.

That was why I was less than thrilled when Halloween of 2011 rolled around. She was now 11, and I didn’t want to just be the parent bringing up the rear, a part I seemed forever cast to play.

I wanted the adorable puppy or the little princess back! The child who got tired from walking and begged me to carry her. The one who eyed other kids with disdain when they got too close to her daddy. The one who had to talk to me the entire time about any little thing that crossed her mind.

But I knew there was no turning back the clock. She had become her own little lady, and I had no other choice but to accept it.

Then, the most shocking even occurred. She chose not to go Trick or Treating!

Instead, she stayed inside with me and curled up next to me on the couch while we watched an assortment of sitcoms (she hates scary movies) in between the overly anxious doorbell rings of the next generation of Trick or Treaters.

Although she wanted to go out with her friends, she lacked the motivation to scour the night to find them. So, instead, she chose me over the candy and the friends.

In that instant, the magic of Halloween returned. I know I won’t have nights like these, when she chooses to hang out with dear old dad, for much longer. She is growing up, and it’s natural for her to spread her wings and fly.

But for that moment, for that Halloween night, I longed for no other place than to have my adorable little puppy once again curled up in my arms before she started drifting off to sleep just like she used to—cradled in her daddy’s arms.

No treat could ever be better!