In Search of a Fruit Fly

Posted on October 15, 2011 by Jacob Flores

For those of you who don’t know what a “fruit fly” is, allow me to explain.

Quite simply, a fruit fly is a less insulting term for a “fag hag” or a gay man’s female best friend. Most grown women don’t appreciate being termed a “hag,” and many find the term “fag” to be an insult; thus, the term fruit fly was born!

Now, you may be wondering: why am I searching for a fruit fly? Don’t most gay men have those in abundance?

While this may be generally true, for me, recently, it’s not. I have had many fruit flies throughout my life. In high school, I had more than my fair share. If any of my high school female friends are reading this, then you might have been one of my fruit flies, especially if I helped you get over every single heartbreak you suffered, or if we went shopping together at South Park Mall in San Antonio, or if we were each other’s dates to school dances. You know who you are!

I also had quite a few fruit flies in college as well. We hung out, went to clubs, and drank together–sometimes excessively, but you were always safe with me, and I always got you to your dorm safely. It’s what a good gay does for his fruit fly!

However, most of those women (and myself included) didn’t get to enjoy the full aspects of the relationship because, well, I wasn’t out of the closet yet, so all those women were unofficial fruit flies for me.

Since coming out, I’ve had two “official” fruit flies, who still mean the world to me–Teresa and Jill. Our times together will forever remain close to my heart.

I remember first meeting Teresa at a mutual friend’s house. We bonded over American Idol and playing board games. And when we were teamed up together on the same team, no matter what game we played, we destroyed our competition. We were like Will and Grace, but better! And, yes, we were just as competitive as the characters from the show. If we played, we played to win!

I met my next fruit fly through a co-worker, when he brought his wife to the first dinner for faculty in our department. When I laid eyes on Jill, it was love at first sight. She was sassy, confident, and stylish. She was a horror movie fanatic as I was, and we made a weekly ritual of watching bad horror movies and eating junk food, much to my husband’s chagrin. (He hates scary movies!) To this day, all we have to do is mention Erin Moran’s death scene in Galaxy of Terror, and we bust out laughing. Most people we know hated that movie. But to us, it was small screen gold!

Here’s the clip if you’re never seen it. If you aren’t a fan of gore, just skip it and keep reading.

Sadly, those women moved out of my town with their husbands and the children that arrived shortly thereafter. Our bonds are still sacred and still in tact. I love those women as much now as I did when we were at the height of our fruit fly/gay man relationship. The only things that separate us are the miles between us. Nothing more.

It has been quite a few years since I’ve had a fruit fly, and these days, I find myself missing the special relationship that only occurs between a gay man and a straight woman.

My husband has a fruit fly, well, quite a few actually, but there is one fruit fly (as always), who reigns supreme. To keep my dear husband’s relationship with all his fruit flies from buzzing into discord, I shall not name names, but she knows who she is! I see the relationship they share, and though I’m loathe to admit it, I sometimes get jealous–not because he has that special relationship, but because I don’t.

And, it’s something I want to have again.

So, I write this post almost like a summoning spell (yes, I watched “Charmed” and loved it!), hoping by sending this out into the universe that it will work its magic and bring to me my newest fruit fly. A woman who has spunk and independence. A woman who meets the criteria set on the movie poster that is the featured image of the post. She should be irresistible, witty, and refreshing! A woman who loves to watch scary movies, eat junk food, share secrets, play board games, and be the heterosexual yin to my homosexual yang.

She has to be somewhere in this city, and I have to hope that she’s out there searching for the fruit that has been missing in her life!

The Truth About Twinks

Posted on October 1, 2011 by Jacob Flores

This posting is part II in my series explaining the various subgroups in the gay male culture. Today’s topic is the Twink. (To read Part I: A Reference Guide to Gay Bear Culture, click here).

For those of you who have ever wondered just what a twink was when your gay friends talked about one, this post will hopefully clear up your confusion and give you a basic understanding of those gay boys who fall under the twink classification.

A Group of Twinkies

Definition of a Twink: Men (or boys) in the gay community who are rarely above 30 years old. Many are slender if not extremely thin and often lack body hair and rarely, if ever, have facial hair (as opposed to the bears, who are considered their polar opposites). Traditionally, these gay men most closely represent the stereotype of gay men as being “queenie” or “effeminate.” They are often portrayed as wild partiers, who are either still in the closet, newly gay, or still struggling through coming out issues.

Characteristics of a Twink: Twinks suffer from a bad reputation. Beyond having to deal with the “queenie” or “effeminate” stereotype, as a group they are often known for being drama queens, rude, snotty, and dumb. In fact, the term twink originates from a popular junk food–The Twinkie. The comparison connotes that twinks are only for short-term consumption and not a long-term relationship. (This is an unfair description, seeing as how most of the men in this classification are young and should be having fun and enjoying life.) Additionally, the comparison also points to the often sun-kissed skin most twinks have through either excessive sun worship or frequent visits to tanning salons. Like Bears, Twinks tend to travel in groups, and while not as physically dangerous as a pack of Bears, they are known for razor sharp tongues capable of verbally ripping anyone to shreds. Unless you can verbally spar, don’t enter into a word war with a twink.

What Do Twinkies Do in the Box? Like Bears, Twinks are more than just what a few individuals enjoy. However, there are some standard past times of this younger set of gay men. On average, clubbing ranks among the highest. Walk into any trendy gay hot spot, and you will find groups of twinks twirling on the dance floor or luxuriating in the VIP section. The drinks of choice are typically fruity and vibrant in color, such as a Cosmo, or low in calories like a vodka and Red Bull. Most twinks are obsessed with fashion, music, popular trends, hooking up, and coming out. And, due to their age, most are enrolled in college.

Twink Wrapping: Twinks enjoy shopping for the latest youthful trends. They frequent stores such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, or American Eagle. While they enjoy the finer fashion designers–Armani, Prada, and Hugo Boss–their lack of sustainable income (unless they come from money or are attached to a wealthy daddy-husband), means they typically cannot afford to splurge their college funds on fashion. Whether the outfit is high fashion or not, you will be hard-pressed to find a twink not dressed to impress, whether it’s Friday night at a club or Sunday morning brunch. The world is their runway. And like most models, it isn’t uncommon for a Twink to forego food in favor of looking his best. Many will often engage in crash dieting to achieve the desired lean and waifish look.

Types of Twinks: Within this category, you will also find a few subcategories that also fall under the larger Twink classification.

All-American Twink represents the epitome of popularity and physical perfection. He is extremely athletic and his hair is always perfectly manicured.
Zac Efron--All American Twink
Beach Twink refers to the type of younger gay male who spends his days at, you guessed it, the beach. His hair is typically almost platinum blonde from sun exposure.
Gaysian is a twink of Asian descent.
Gym Twink are those boys who live at the gym. Unlike the traditional twink, their bodies are not lean or waifish. Gym Twinks strive for muscle definition and will not break if handled roughly.
Taylor Lautner--a Gym Twink example

Twunk is a pejorative remark describing an older man trying to be a twink. This type of gay man is typically between the ages of 28-40, who still shops at Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, or American Eagle. Also, in efforts to reclaim lost youth, a twunk frequents tanning salons, wears clothing at least two sizes too small, and sometimes indulges in Botox or plastic surgery. Men who fit this definition will often lie about their age and will create drama if they hit on you and you reject them.

Twink Admirers: Individuals who seek the company of twinks have their own classifications as well.

Daddies represent the older men who pursue younger men for sexual and/or long-term relationships. These men typically support twinks by paying their bills and their rent all in the hopes of stealing some of the youthful energy the twink possesses in abundance.
Fag Hags are girls who typically are only friends with gay boys. They accompany them to clubs and help their gays sweep up their broken hearts. It is a relationship that is sacrosanct, often more meaningful than most sexual relationships the gay boy or hag are currently involved in.

Twinks and those that gravitate toward them are an eclectic group of individuals. If you’re looking for someone to party with or who knows the latest fashions, find yourself a twink BFF. They’ll have you dressed to kill and party ready in no time.

Top 5 Reasons People Choose to be Gay by FCKH8.com

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Jacob Flores

I ran across this video from an activist organization aptly named FCKH8. (Visit their website by clicking here.)

The video’s message is strongly worded and if you are easily offended by vulgarity, then you shouldn’t watch it, and, well, if you are, you probably won’t be reading this post anyway, so my warning is probably moot.

What I find promising about this video is what it tells me about our future. The video stars many younger people (and by that I mean younger than someone of my almost forty years). These youth are angry, and they are taking a stand against the people who continue to spread hate and intolerance in our country. By taking this campaign under their wings, they have assembled merchandise to be sold in support of FCKingH8 and raised awareness about how hateful many conservative politicians and religious sects are being, in other words the individuals and organizations that have grown stagnant and resistant to change.

And their audience isn’t me or you or those in charge. They are speaking to the youth of the nation, the twenty something and younger crowd. They are speaking to the future leaders, and they use language and images that appeal to the younger generation’s mindset.

Their voices are crude, and their demeanor is flippant, but their message is clear. For them, the time for hate is long over, and since they will be taking over the country and the world when the ultra conservatives retire and/or die off, they are letting the nation know that when it’s there turn to be in power, our nation will be what our forefathers wanted it to be–a place where the downtrodden and the outcast are welcome and embraced with arms wide open.

If you like this video on Facebook and tweet it on Twitter, their campaign will donate up to $10,000 for organizations that help GLBT youth, a worthwhile endeavor indeed. So view the video, like it, tweet it, and share it.

Before you click, be advised one more time: many F-bombs ahead!

A Reference Guide to the Gay Bear Culture

Posted on September 18, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Post Updated: 4/18/2015, Original Post, 9/18/2011

It’s been almost four years since I originally wrote this post, and as I was going through it, I decided it was time to update the reference guide to reflect the various comments and e-mails I received over the past few years.

Contrary to what some people believe, all gay men aren’t the same. We don’t all enjoy Broadway musicals, dress up in the latest fashions, or walk with too much honey on our hips. Not every single gay man turns his nose up in disgust at sporting events, outdoor activities, or manual labor. The gay male culture is actually a cornucopia of men with different tastes, interests, and body types. We are a microcosm of the American culture just like every other subculture in the world. Not every African American listens to rap nor do all Latinos speak Spanish and watch telanovelas (Spanish soap operas). To believe that every single person within any particular culture is representative of the culture as a whole is not only ridiculous but illogical.

Therefore in an effort to increase understanding of the various subcultures within the larger nomenclature that is the gay community, I have decided to write a series of posts aimed at explaining the different types of men who comprise the gay community at large.

Now, just to clarify, gay men sometimes uses terms and classifications to identify other groups within our own that often confuses our straight friends. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked just what is a bear? Once I begin the explanation and delve into the various categories within the bear subculture, their eyes either glass over due to the sheer excess of information provided, or they (and by they, I mean my straight, male friends) will ask what kind of bear am I?

For some reason, my straight male friends feel the need to be classified by the terms we use to describe other gay men. And from what I hear from my gay brothers, their straight guy friends pose the same questions to them. Perhaps it’s their need to feel included (no man wants to be left out of any team even if they really play for the opposition!) or perhaps they just want to see exactly how desirable they are to other men. Let’s face it, our straight male friends might not want to slip between the sheets with another man, but they want to at least know what their options were if they did.

Therefore as a nod to all my straight male friends, the first group I shall tackle are the lovable, affable Bears.

A group of Bears

Definition of Bear: Men in the gay community who have hairy bodies and facial hair. Many are stocky and/or muscular (generally larger in mass than any other classification of gay men in the community). They often portray themselves as the epitome of masculinity through their rugged appearance and demeanor.

Characteristics of a Bear: Typically, Bears are friendly, polite, and easy-going, a far cry from their animal namesake. Their larger body types contain some of the kindest hearts. If a bear were to accidentally step on you at a bar, he would be the first one to apologize and feel awful for potentially hurting you. However, just like their namesakes, a bear is a dangerous gay when provoked and prodded with a stick (no pun intended). Their size alone would be enough to take down an entire gaggle of gays. But unlike real bears, these Bears travel in packs. When you take on one Bear, the entire cave is threatened.

What Does a Bear Do in the Woods?: While Bears have a wide range of interests, they are some natural proclivities of the subculture that seem pretty standard. Most Bears enjoy food and drink. Beer is the alcohol of choice. Rarely, do you see a Bear sipping a Cosmo or calling himself a Vegan. They indulge in the simpler pleasure of life such as camping, laying in the sun, or communing with other Bears.

Bear Wear: Bears can often be spotted in the wild wearing open flannel shirts exposing their guts and hirsute bodies, combat boots, and baseball caps. They are not slaves to fashion. This is not to say that Bears don’t play dress up. (They are gay after all!) But they are more at home wearing lose fit, extremely casual clothing.

Bear Subcategories: The term Bear doesn’t apply to every single hairy gay man. In fact, within the Bear subculture you will find an entire slew of different classifications.

Berenstien Bear is a bear of Jewish descent
Black Bear is a bear of African-American descent.
Brown Bear is a bear of Latin descent.
Care Bear is a bear who “cares” about his appearance and cares about fashion
Chubby Bear is a bear who is heavy set and hairy.
Cub is a term used to describe a bear relatively younger in age. The term is also affectionally used to describe a bear’s husband/partner who fulfills the passive role in the sexual relationship.
Daddy Bear describes a mature bear, who is often looking for a Cub (or younger man) for a relationship.
Grizzly Bear means that the individual is extremely dominant and typically extremely tall, heavy, or hairy.
Honey Badger describes a bear, who is blond and is usually muscular and not heavy.
Koala Bear is a bear of Australian descent.
Otter describes a man who is hairy but not heavy. An otter’s build is leaner and muscular.
Otter Cub describes a younger man who is heavy but not hairy. His build is also leaner and muscular
Panda Bear denotes a bear of Asian descent.
Papa Bear describes a bear who has children and devotes most of the time he used to spend drinking and clubbing to his children.
Pocket Bear describes a bear of short stature.
Polar Bear is a bear with white or grey hair.
Seal Bear is a mostly hairless, heavier man. He’s a seal because his body is slick like a seal.
Shape Shifting Bear is a bear that moves, at various times of his life, through different subcategories. He can go from a Chub Bear to an Otter to a Wolf.
Silver Fox describes a distinguished gentleman with salt and pepper hair.
Silver Otter describes a man who is hairy (not heavy), but whose hair is overall white
Wolf is a term for a bear who is rugged and outdoorsy but typically also a biker. A wolf can also be sexually aggressive.
Yogi Bear describes a bear who likes camping and hiking but also enjoys laying around the cave playing video games.

Bear Admirers: Those who are attracted to bears or hang out with them also have their own set of descriptions.

Chaser describes a man who is sexually attracted to heavy set gay men.
Goldilocks is usually a woman who hangs out with a group of bears. This is the Bear culture’s term for their “fag hag.”

Goldilocks, the original Bear fag hag

As you can see, Bears and those that love them, come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, and interests. If you want to learn more, find a Bear and befriend him. You’ll be glad you did.

In Search of My Inner Eye at Travaasa Spa

Posted on September 10, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Our welcome to the Travaasa Spa

Yesterday, we departed our home in the heart of the conservative crossroads in the red state of Texas to head for the only welcoming blue blip –Austin. After a two and a half hour exodus through political signs and bumper stickers that called for Texans to secede from the union or praised Republicans and Rick Perry (who was applauded at the recent GOP presidential debate for having the most executions under his leadership, a proud moment for Texas indeed), it was a fresh breath of air to arrive in Austin and enter the gates of the Travaasa Spa. (Click the link to go to their website.)

Once we arrived at their Welcome Center, we were greeted by a spa representative who escorted us to the front desk. They checked us in without once batting an eye at two men staying in a room with only a single bed. This is a spa in Austin. Two gay men are nothing new here.

After our check in, one of the representatives met us at our car in a golf cart and hauled our about-to-be-seriously-pampered tushes and our luggage to our room, which came with a spectacular view of the Austin Hill Country.

Since we arrived after all the activities for Friday had already been completed, we enjoyed a leisurely dinner and headed back to our room, where we stared at the night sky and enjoyed life.

In the morning, we attended a meditation session. Those who know me, know that I’m not the “groovy, hippie” kinda of guy. I was more than reluctant to sit cross-logged in a room I envisioned to be filled with incense or listen to someone who most likely smokes marijuana telling me how to see through my third eye and cleanse my chakras. But when I entered the room, it wasn’t the nightmare I envisioned.

A view of the meditation room

No incense clogged the room or my sinus cavities. The woman who led the class was quite pleasant and didn’t appear to have taken any hits of Mary Jane prior to the class. I didn’t see the shining auras surrounding my body nor did I imagine a cable shoot out of my spine and head to the center of the earth, where all my bad mojo was to be deposited. When she first told us to visualize this, I couldn’t help but think she was asking me to take a spiritual dump into the earth. Naturally, I lost some focus after that hilarious image, but I recovered and relaxed. My husband, God love him, saw the colors and asked her what the colors meant. While they talked, I meditated on my inability to see the grand spiritual spectrum he saw. I wondered if there was some fundamental flaw in my psyche that prevented me from reaching that deep down inside myself. Either that or I lack depth as an individual.

Meditation Garden

Since I know that cannot be the case, I chalked my inability to board the Yellow Submarine as my need for control. I rarely hand over the reigns of my life to anyone, in any circumstance. Still, I felt relaxed, so the class wasn’t entirely wasted on me.

Now, after a short stint by the Infinity Pool, where I baked in the Texas sun among other liberals who could have cared less about the two gay men sharing the pool deck with them, I now prepare for my 80 minute deep sleep aromatherapy massage. It will be 80 minutes of pure bliss, and while I might not hand over my chakras or my third eye to a meditation specialist, I have no problem handing over my body for a good massage.

A Tale of Two Gay Camps

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Jacob Flores

Like most southerners, I do my best to remain polite. It’s the proper thing to do, and it was how my mother and grandmother raised me. Speaking your mind, especially if the comment was unkind or cruel, was just not allowed. However, my southern upbringing sometimes conflicts with the blunt vitriol many gay men use like a battering ram. Like a gay Sybil, I remain in conflict with my two personalities.

Being polite and telling it like it is constantly war within me.

So, today, I shall simply let facts speak for themselves. No judgments. No critiques. No vitriol.

Gay Campground in Poconos

I came upon photos of Camp 2011 in the Pocono Mountains, which is in Pennsylvania for those who are a tad geographically challenged. It was a 3 night party, filled to the rim (oh my!) with barely clothed, almost perfectly sculpted manflesh. Events such as mud wrestling, dolphin riding (on dolphin floats in the pool, for those of you who really needed clarification), dancing at a foam party (a dance floor filled with, you guessed it, foam!), and a score of other activities awaited the campers who decided to pitch their tents at the campsite for the weekend.

DJ’s spun dance beats, disco lights lit up the campground at night, and drag queens strutted on stilettos. Even some adult film stars (that’s the southern way of saying porn stars), such as The Maverick Men (site NSFW) attended the event.

The party was even hosted by Aussie Bum. I love Aussies and their bumwear! Who doesn’t?

Needless to say, it looked to be quite the party. I wouldn’t know from personal experience. I wasn’t there in the foam dancing, or in the mud wrestling, or on the dolphin riding (OK, that just sounds wrong).

You see, as you may or may not already know, I don’t live up north. I live in the south, deep south, like deep in the heart of Texas south, where meat is a vegetable, men adjust their crotches in public while chewing tobacco, and pick up trucks are not only the rage but sport rubber-made testicles. They even have a website where you can purchase them!

A common sight in south Texas

I know. It’s extremely sad.

We don’t have camps like the one in the Poconos, but there are gay campgrounds here. Yes, even in the red Lone Star State of Texas. I’ve even been to such a campground, and let me tell you, it’s a tad different from the one with the foam party, DJ’s, and porn stars. Now, I promised no judgments and to let the facts speak for themselves, so I’m going to remain a true southern gentlemen.

Here are the facts of the southern gay campground:

Throughout the year, the southern campground I’ve visited on more than one occasion hosts theme parties for Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, and Halloween. Attendees don’t have perfectly sculpted bodies. This is Texas after all, where grease and fried foods reign supreme. The lack of perfect bodies doesn’t bother me. I’m not perfect, and in fact, I’ll admit to feeling like the Belle of the Ball when I’m at the campground. It’s a feeling I could grow accustomed to!

The themed weekend parties typically last a couple of nights. Events such as costume contests, barbecuing, and swimming in the above ground pool fill the day and evening. It can be quite relaxing, which I assume is a nice change of pace from all the dancing, wardrobe changing, and hair re-stylying that likely occurs throughout the day at the campground up north. In Texas, you can simply come as you are. Which is nice. At times. Sometimes it’s okay to dress up a little. (oops, I promised no judgments, just facts).

So, back to the facts.

Events are typically relegated to board games, meals with all the fixin’s (I wonder if they eat at the Poconos camp), and chatting poolside with music blaring from someone’s iPod. No DJ comes to spin the discs for us.

Gay campsite in Texas

Unfortunately, Aussie Bum doesn’t sponsor the themed parties at my campground. I doubt those Aussie Bums would be able to find it. Even GPS devices have difficulty plotting a route along the winding roads that look like they’re leading to Camp Crystal Lake in those old Friday the 13th movies instead of a pride flag waving gay campground.

Beggars, however, can’t be choosers. While my southern campground is nothing like its sister (well, sister might not be the correct word. Maybe second cousin twice removed better fits their relationship), I still am grateful for its existence.

There may be no foam parties, or DJ’s, or scores of perfectly sculpted manflesh, but good guys go to this camp. I enjoy their company over a board game, or while tossing about the horseshoes, or even lounging in the pool. It’s a far more relaxed campground than the one I described earlier. You come as you are and you’re treated like family. You don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to be popular. You just have to be you.

In the grand scheme of things, who could ask for anything more? Well, if we’re asking. A few more perfectly sculpted bodies would be nice. An occasional DJ and even a sporadic foam party would make me happy too.

But no place is perfect, I suppose. Not the high intensity camp filled with dancing, debauchery, and divas or the more sedate Texas camp complete with cozy, carefree camaraderie.

All in all, they both sound like heaven to me! So I guess sometimes holding your tongue and being polite allows you to see the good in everything. I guess Mom and Nan (my term of endearment for my grandmother) were right all along. As usual.